“Tolkien can say that Aragorn became king and reigned for a hundred years, and he was wise and good. But Tolkien doesn’t ask the question: What was Aragorn’s tax policy?” -George R.R. Martin
Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same curiosity about the new fiscal policies proclaimed today from Minas Tirith that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the currency of men fails, when we forsake our debts and break all bonds issued by the Bank of Gondor, but it is not this day. Today, we outline sensible policies and move the Kingdom of my ancestors towards prosperity.
First, we must confront the scourge of untaxed Longbottom Leaf from Orthanc. Too long our tariff revenue has been withheld by Saruman the White. His insistence on transmuting tax collectors into Uruk-Hai corrupted the noble name of wizard. Now, with labor disruptions by Entish activists and Saruman’s failed attempt to Shire-source his production, the market has passed away into the west. But all is not lost. I have assurances from Peregrin Took, knight of Gondor, that he ‘knows a guy’ who can acquire ‘the good shit’.
Second, we must assess the impact of piracy. I speak not of the Corsairs of Umbar, whom I gloriously defeated, but the scourge of off-brand replicas of cloaks of Lorien. My friends, I understand being gifted an official cloak requires gazing in a magic mirror that foretells great personal peril, but we must not further alienate an important trading partner, particularly one run by my wife’s grandmother. Trust me, Thanksgiving to Eru celebrations have been awkward. [pause for laughter]
Third, we must improve trade relations with the Lonely Mountain. Who among us wants to trust a nation founded by amateur burglars who rely on others to kill dragons? And their trade missions keep showing up uninvited for dinner, chipping the glasses, cracking the plates and getting that song stuck in everybody’s head. However, I hear from incoming trade minister Gloinson that he will be proposing a new ‘elf-hair’ standard for currency valuation. As surely as I am called Elfstone, this will turn to our favor. [Note: Ask Gandalf why the hobbits keep calling me Elfstones and laughing]
The fearful may ask, why change? The stewards ruled for years without failing. But hear this, Ecthelionomics is Necromantic economics. My predecessor Denethor was a fine steward in military matters, but his insistence that wealth collected by the highest ring of the White Tower would trickle down to the lower rings was woefully shortsighted. In the end, we saw what actually trickled down from the upper ring. [Note: too soon, my king. Faramir]
One day, there may be an hour of wolves and shattered budgets when the age of ornate marble architecture comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we reform our tax code! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you spend, Men of the West!
Be First to Comment